we were already dead

today was the last time I would ever work with my favorite coworker. I quit my job and won’t see her again for a while. The day itself felt like any other but towards the end I got kind of sentimental. She hugged me twice and we promised we’ll hang out some time in summer after she’s done with her studies. She’s six years older than me but sometimes I felt like I had more in common with her than with people my age. Today I realized we’re more similar than I thought, just at completely different parts of our life. Which is also a beautiful thing. The chapter I’m entering has already been written in her book. I’ve learned a lot from her and I really do hope we’ll stay in contact – I appreciate her a lot.

This also made me realize how hard it can sometimes be to accept something – I almost stayed at my job for a while longer because I guess in a way I got too sentimental. It didn’t work out and she meant it will probably be for the better. There’s so much more in store for me and it will all work out. Her words meant more to me than she probably realized.

Just before I watched a video of a kid saying (not sure if it was a movie reference) that even if you bend the spoon you must realize that the spoon doesn’t exist, the only thing bending is you. For some reason that made me stop completely and stand still for a good minute. It made me think about how much power we hold to shape our own future. At the same time this brings me to the problem of information overload. We take in too much and forget where to put our attention. At the moment I’m rather trying to not think about it too much. I can’t change anything about lizard people or secret organizations or certain people that like children a little bit too much. There’s nothing for me to do about it. I guess wake up maybe. Wake up from this strange reality they put us in, but even then. I don’t know enough about any of this and maybe I never will, but that’s okay. I don’t mind if the choices I think I’ve got are illusions, I can still choose. And I choose to be happy. There’s a lot going on right now. Not only in the whole world but also in my home. And that’s okay. After all I’m still existing and able to thrive. There’s things I love waking up to, things I look forward too.

Never have I thought I would be in a situation like this.
Both the negativity and positivity that surrounds me. Both is fine. It’s life. It’s balance.
I know I can deal with it and if I fail I know I have people that support me.
Sometimes you need to step into the light even when your shadow grows bigger.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVgqKp8EXte/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

ᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓᯓ

I’ve been feeling quite a lot of doubt recently though. In many different aspects of my life.
I’m not sure who will read this but let me speak my mind freely:
I’ve been doubting my friendships, my role as a sibling, as a child of a mother and a father, as a partner, as a coworker, as a future student, as a human, as a living being.
I’ve been feeling quite low on energy the past few days and have still pushed myself to do things.
Today I met up with a bunch of friends right after work. And to be completely honest I was dreading it a little bit. I was tired and exhausted, the planning was a bit frustrating and overall I felt like I’m being avoided a bit. Most of my worries faded as soon as I saw my friends. I realized I don’t actually even need a social battery to be with them, it wasn’t draining at all and I enjoyed it – enjoyed seeing them all together again. But still some worries remain. I guess that’s okay though. Worries don’t have to define my reality, I don’t have to follow every thought.

I would write more and get into detail of my other roles but I’m not really feeling like it. I want to publish this post and tell everyone in my life to read it if they’d like to understand me better – I probably won’t though.
For now, goodbye ❤