we were already dead

I’ve been pondering for a bit now on how to write about this topic in my head.
I’ve been thinking whether making it more poetically could help portray it better or if a diary entry post would be more fitting.
Since I’m unsure it might be a mix of both.

I’ve kind of forgot about my blog a little bit. I’ve been more busy with other stuff, but today I remembered that this is the perfect place to express myself (well not fully perfect because I think expressing myself in real life or to people is even more perfect, but my blog is a creative outlet or something of that kind, either way it helps me tremendously when it comes to making creative progress or to get to understand myself better in some ways).

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Let me get straight to the point (mainly because I really don’t know how else to bring this text to that topic but also because I don’t have much else to say than that) :

“I’m a white light in a world full of color.”

That’s what I told my partner today after we had a rather long discussion about my gender identity. He told me he never fully understood what I meant or how I felt, essentially because he doesn’t fully relate (at least in most aspects) and because I would want to argue that I have a very unique way of seeing myself/ of describing my identity to others.
Describing myself as a white light made me feel a little bit more sure about myself in a way. Until now I haven’t really had a way of describing how I feel. I always just felt that no existing label would fit me fully (not even the question flag, because I’m not questioning my gender, the problem is that I feel like I’m everything and nothing at the same time).

My main struggle was that I would rather think of what could make my life easier instead of trying to find my true self. In my understanding, presenting fully as a woman or fully as a man (which would be a trans-man, but in my understanding still fully a man in a sense that I would try to pass as a man and never introduce or even see myself as transgender) would be easier in our society to understand or relate to than being everything and nothing at the same time, this includes agender, non-binary, genderfluid and all similar labels. I know that there are plenty of non-binary people and so forth, but it’s not easy at all. One could argue being transgender is just as hard (which shouldn’t be an argument I think being anything else than cis-gender is hard in general) but since my idea wouldn’t leave enough room to be seen as transgender, being non-binary would be harder in my understanding.

And because I’ve always rather thought about making the discrepancy between of how I present myself vs how I’m perceived as small as possible (essentially leaving no room for my true self) I’ve never really explored who I really am.
I voiced the concern that I don’t know who I am.
And in ones early life it’s a normal thing to be unsure about their identity.
Youth and adolescence or even being a young adult are all times of searches for identity.
But I guess I feel a little extra lost.

In the way that I’m thinking (about what is easiest to be in our society, as little as conflict and hate as possible for myself) being my true self just isn’t an option.
Being a white light and trying to explain to everyone that asks me to be a color that I’m all of the colors just seems like to much work and energy.
So I resorted to choosing a color, to be a color and to mask my true self.
I can absolutely choose which color I want to be but I yearn to be all of them because I am all of them.
No label feels fitting because I don’t fit in a world made of color.
So even genderfluid would feel wrong. That way I could be all colors but not at the same time, it’s still making me choose a color.
This brought me to the concern that what if I don’t belong here?
This concern was quickly shut down by my partner though. Not fitting in doesn’t mean one doesn’t belong.

Another thing I want to share, that he told me is: “Choosing a wrong door is better than staying in a wrong room” (no idea who said that)
It’s a very nice and reassuring saying.

I could say much more things about this and make this an endless post.
But that doesn’t feel right.
I just wanted to share this because I haven’t confronted myself with this topic in a long while. I’ve just been shutting all of it down, hoping it will go away. Which I so obviously see isn’t working.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Imagine a cute little poem here, about how when a new soul is born two colors clash together to create a new one. But sometimes there happens to be more than just two colors, maybe it’s the stars that had their way with it, but enough colors clash for it to become white light. This white light is born into a world full of color and even though it’s all of the colors, the others never see it as a color itself. Maybe white light can make a rainbow but all colors make white and is white really a color?

Yeah idk.
Maybe I’ll revisit this some time (I probably won’t)