we were already dead

I recently had therapy.
I was looking kind of forward to it, she always knows what to say and has helped me tremendously in the past.
Now she said she wasn’t sure how else she can help me.
She doesn’t really see a problem where she could be of assistance.
That made me think a lot.
My life feels far from okay. I feel tired a lot.

I got the result from an entry exam back. I took it to try and get into a school, but they put me on a waitlist. That means I haven’t passed yet and need to wait till June to know if I’ll get a spot or not. I was overly confident of passing so I was kind of disappointed to see that I wasn’t “good enough” to pass instantly. At the same time it didn’t bother me at all. I feel like knowing I passed already would’ve stressed me more than anything. I quit my job and April is my last month of employment (I do plan on getting another job soon) but I would’ve had to start looking for an apartment and everything, so in a way I’m glad I get some more time to simply enjoy life as it is.
Maybe it’s bothering me a tiny bit more than I’d like to admit. Because I can’t help but think of younger me: the overachiever, the nerd, the classmate with the best grades, the loner with parents that expect a certain academic achievement, the student that gets most of the pressure for studying and achieving by putting it on themselves. Looking through the lens of younger me and reacting to the news, I should be completely devastated, lost and making myself feel bad – but I’m not.
I told my mom my plan B. Initially I wanted to apply to a different school that doesn’t require the taking of an exam, so I would have a backup study option. But to be honest it feels like a waste of money. I would have to pay a couple of hundreds to apply and if I happen to pass the exam nevertheless then I would’ve had it spent on nothing. So my idea is waiting. And if I don’t get in I’ll look for an apprenticeship in summer. Preferably piercer or tattoo artist. Both things I highly adore and see to be quite fitting for me. Then I’ll see what I want to study next year, no need to rush anything. I’m young. There’s infinite options for me. (I do have to say I’m insanely grateful for all the possibilities I have, I know it’s not self explanatory or natural, I’m glad I get to experience such freedom)

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡°‧

If you’ve read any of my past posts you might know I’m not really good at doing something consistently and I tend to forget my half written blog posts in my drafts. I wrote this text over a month ago. It’s already the beginning of May.
Today I’m finally finishing this post. I’ve met a bunch of new people a while ago and I’m not really scared anymore to recommend them my blog, after all it is a huge part of me in a way. This is the most intimate thing that exists of me. I don’t think there’s a better way to get an idea of what’s going on inside of my head (except maybe talking to me irl).

I still feel the same about the whole academic thing. Less stressed about it but at the same time more stressed because it’s May and that means it’s June soon. I’m not scared though. Things shall work out for me.
I’m unemployed now, enjoying the newly made freedom. Life doesn’t feel a lot different but I do feel a bit lighter.
I want to write a blog post about what I experienced on the 1st of May, I was hesitant about it because it will give away where I was located geographically, I even considered making a whole new blog and new instagram account to document this topic, but I realized that it doesn’t matter. I stand for what I stand and I’m not going to hide it. So yeah, expect a very political post next.

I know my recent posts have been rather emotional and philosophical rather than lyrical and poetic but maybe someone can still find the poetry in my personal experiences and struggles.