we were already dead

Amon: You said you wouldn’t forget about me.

Author: I haven’t. We just haven’t talked in a bit.

Amon: In a bit as in over half a year.

Author: I’m sorry.

Amon: Oh. Well, I accept your apology. I’m sorry I was being petty are you doing okay Author?

Author: This year has brought me so many different emotions and experiences. I don’t want to say I’m overwhelmed or overstimulated, I just sometimes find myself asking if all of this is even real?

Amon: How so?

Author: I have a beautiful partner. And I think we both haven’t expected to find each other like that, I can’t even believe the sheer love I’m feeling for this person and I can’t believe he feels the same. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel so intensely for him, sometimes it is almost overwhelming. I feel like through him I’ve become a more outwardly emotional person. I used to keep my feelings to myself and now I’m working on expressing them. I still don’t know what everything means that’s going on inside of me but I think I’ll get there.

Amon: That sounds beautiful Author. I’m very happy for you.

Author: You know Amon, I’ve always expected I’d write your story with an almost exclusively depressing connotation, but honestly, I see so much more now.

Amon: That’s very good to hear, because personally I’m at a very hopeless spot right now. I feel stuck and unseen or overseen, or whatever you call it when you feel like no one really sees you. At the same time I feel like I’ve been seen too much. You know what I mean?

Author: I do. Being home is not always easy.

Amon: At least you get to say you have a home Author.

Author: That’s true. I’m sorry if that was insensitive.

Amon: Don’t worry about it, we can’t compare the surroundings of our situations like that, even if they’re similar. Tell me more about you though Author, it’s been a while.

Author: I’m scared. And while I’m always afraid when I have to end a chapter of my life or start a new one, this one feels bigger, more important. Like instead of a new chapter, I’m opening part two of my book. Like now there’s an entire empty page in between that kind of makes a border of my life so far to how it will be. And while I’m not essentially afraid of how things will go for me, I just feel a lot of fear from the future. I see myself thinking of worst case scenarios again, I’ve been having a dream that’s been bothering me a lot and I’ve been sensing a drop in energy within myself.

Amon: Oh Author. I hope you do realize that nothing of any of that means something. After all I think we’ve established that we’re the consciousness that listens to the thought rather than the thought itself.

Author: I know I know… But it’s hard nevertheless to not let this tiny voice bother me. It’s always been there and now it’s becoming more prominent again. I’m trying not to listen but it’s been feeding me images I don’t want to see and it’s hard to look away if it’s in my head and consuming the entire space in there.
You know just today I had a dream where I was teleported back to 2022 and realizing that mid dream made me break down and cry. I was not only scared to have to go through EVERYTHING again I was also, and mainly, so so afraid that I would accidentally change the slightest thing and that would lead me to never finding my partner. I was actually so scared in my dream that I started to talk to myself. I gained a sort of consciousness I haven’t previously had in my dreams. I was able to tell that it wasn’t reality and I calmed down by talking to myself, saying that it’s fine and that it’s just a dream. The images turned black and when my heart rate had calmed down I found myself safe to open my eyes and see that my partner was sleeping safely next to me.
I realized the actual and only reason I realized I was in a dream was because it was dark outside and my blinds were down – I never close my blinds anymore.

Amon: But don’t you see a sort of positivity in there as well? You’ve gained a new consciousness about yourself, don’t you think that means you’ve also gained more control about your thoughts?

Author: You’re probably right. I haven’t looked at it in that way yet.

Amon: That’s why you have me. Talking to me is literally just self reflection with extra steps.

Author: haha, you’re right. I do think I should “talk” to you more.

Amon: You really should. Especially since you improving yourself and experiencing new things also has a positive outcome for me. I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me.

Author: I feel your excitement but do understand that it’s still only you and the reason things might change in the book, is because I look at the situations in a more hopeful way, and maybe cause we talk to each other like that now.

Amon: Now there’s the old Author again. It’s honestly very good to have you back.

Author: Thank you Amon, really.