Right in front of me is a campfire. I am watching the flames as they grow bigger and reach out to touch the moon. The warm tones of orange and red give me a feeling of comfort. It’s already late, the sky is pitch-black and it’s uncomfortably quiet. I’m sitting on a cold rock being alone with my thoughts. The crackle of the fire being the only thing I hear.
It looks like the fire is trying to tell a story.
A sad story.
A story about a happy boy but a not so happy family.
The boy tried everything to make his parents happy, but it never worked. He realized that he shouldn’t waste his energy on something that cannot be changed.
The boy lost his happiness.
It’s now a story about a sad boy, a boy who is all on his own.
A boy who still bothers a bit about the world and humans, because he believes that there is love, even when you can’t see or feel it, it is somewhere, maybe hidden away.
He’s a boy who dreamt of saving the world for all.
But why bother when our planet is slowly falling apart, destroyed by the inhabitants, that should worship and care about it, but instead they wanted more and more, not stopping when it was already too late. We’re killing our planet, taking every bit of its soul.
But it’s our only planet, the only place in the whole universe where we could possibly survive.
The boy failed, but he never even had a chance of achieving his goal.
Why?
Because it’s hopeless, you can’t save something so big and important all by yourself.
And when you think that there is no other thing that could make this tragedy even more miserable, I have to say, there is.
This boy has not only failed but given up. Given up on life, his own and the lives of other people. He has stopped hoping that things will get better.
There’s no hope left, the flame will eventually be extinguished, and even if it comes back, it will never be the same.
⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆⋆｡˚
The beginning of chapter 1.
Not the beginning of it all, because there will be prehistory first, but the beginning of chapter 1. I wrote this all the way back in 2022; which will almost be four years ago. Crazy to think that the topics I talk about – that obviously reflect our reality – are still as relevant if not even more so.
I debated for while whether and if then which part of my already existing book (not finished but it’s here, breathing and thriving) I should post on here. Maybe debating is the wrong word. A lot has been going on for me since I last posted something on here. I felt a little drained to be honest. The only idea my mind could come up with was to post something from my story, or dare I say Amon’s story – because it’s not mine and it never will be.
Now I’m doing it. After, to be completely honest, about two minutes if not less of pondering. I wanna say I’m a thoughtful person, but at the same time I can be very fast and direct with decisions for certain things. I think I knew it all along anyway. The part I’m sharing right now is not the first thing I wrote in 2022, but the most influential one. This is how it all started, how I discovered Amon and gave him a name – or figured out his name.
I like to research names, type in something like: “name meaning destruction” or “name meaning wealth” and then scroll for hours, saying the names aloud and imagining a whole vibe.
Other options I had for my protagonist were Samael and Abaddon.
Samael because it means poison of god (or at least that’s what I’ve written down, I wanna say every name always has several meanings or interpretations) or Abaddon because it means destruction or the angel of death.
Both of them carry a heavy something. Like a burden, like the decision that he will be evil before he’s even born. And maybe his existence does have some influence, not necessarily negative but maybe there comes an evil connotation with it – who knows (jk I know but I’m not gonna spoil too much).
To be completely honest.
I never researched a meaning first and then found a name when it comes to why I chose Amon.
My favorite anime happens to be Devilman Crybaby. Crybaby specifically because I’ve not yet dived into the world of devilman. I’ve rewatched the show about five times though. I’m not sure why, but it left quite the emotional impression on me. (some spoiler so if you haven’t watched the show yet maybe skip the next part)
Amon is a demon that has quite a high status among other demons. I did not only like the name but also the vibe and meaning that came with it. Amon was a strong demon, but in a sense defeated by a simple school boy – Akira. A boy that cries for other people.
Amon means the hidden one. Only now I’m thinking about the meaning it has for the show. Amon was always talked about but never really appeared on his own (except before Ryo was able to merge him with Akira) but still his presence was known and demons almost bowed before him.
This inspired the vibe for my protagonist a little bit.
Amon was supposed to be the character that may have been hidden away by his parents but had a lot of influence – and not a positive one. He was supposed to be cruel, cold and distant. But when I started writing I realized I interpreted him wrong, drastically wrong. There’s nothing essentially evil about him. Maybe there will be a few actions that can be looked at as bad – but never evil. He’s not evil. No one is (at least not in my book, what’s going on in reality is a whole other topic).
we were already dead 
Leave a comment