we were already dead

What if you no longer resonate with something you’ve written before?

Feelings that were yours but now time has passed and so have your feelings.

Do I delete what is already written down? Already recorded and seen by some?

Change.

What does it mean to change? I feel like a lot is happening right now. Future plans, new people, new relationships, old relationships, questions about what is worth keeping and what not. I think too much because I have too much time. When my physical state is struggling, so is my mind. Not being alone but feeling isolated, only because my body can’t keep up. This year has only started and I’m already sick – physically sick but also sick of it. But at the same time I already did so much. So much I’m proud of, so much that has brought me joy and a lot of positive feelings. But when I think too much about it, then everything gets overwhelming. What about the past? What about what has passed? What about that? Do I still have the space in my mind for that?

I see myself thinking about important stuff less and less. While I was very into politics I feel like this passion has faded. I could still talk hours about problems, get angry and start conspiracies, but at the same time I just lack the energy for that specifically. I don’t wanna say I lack the energy otherwise, I enjoy going out, doing sidequests and living life. But I don’t see myself worrying about it as much as I probably should. This then reminds me about an essay I wrote on ignorance, I revisited that idea again and now it’s on my mind again. I feel like it’s an important topic, something worth talking about. I went on and tried to define it as detailed as I could, maybe I could share this with whoever might read this.

I wrote this back in October 2025, describing my mental health, talking about ignorance and guilt:

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

I haven’t gone back to my excitement about politics and changing lives. I haven’t even tried to educate myself on important political matters. I’ve skipped videos about people in help or need, I still repost but don’t even watch the whole video myself. I feel a sort of shame writing this down. But the shame isn’t worse than the guilt. But then the guilt doesn’t feel major. I feel numb, empty.
The worst thing is, that I’ve written about this exact scenario before. My final essay for my class addressed this exact topic. It was all about the longing for cheerfulness in times where it feels ignorant to feel cheerful. I’ve explained and distinguished types of cheerfulness. Cheerfulness is either a short-term feeling, a reaction to something beautiful or a way of living. Happiness is something that needs stimulus; cheerfulness is something that you bring by on your own. I then split up cheerfulness into innocent and ignorant cheerfulness. Innocent cheerfulness is something that everyone can experience, it’s about the little things in life, the decision to wake up and be grateful. Ignorant cheerfulness is reserved for privileged people. It is reserved for people who have the means to look away and feel good because they can look away. These people aren’t evil, or at least not always. But when you’ve seen, when you’ve really opened your eyes before, then you can only look away with guilt. My conclusion was that cheerfulness is needed without ignorance. Ignorance doesn’t bring any good, but cheerfulness is something that can change a lot in our world. It impacts not only yourself but also the people around you, the people that see and hear you.

Now I’m the person looking away. Is it too late to call it ignorance though? Because I’ve already seen everything? Because I have decided to look, to really look at it before?
I’m not sure. It’s something I haven’t explored before.

To be ignorant means to a certain extent that there is awareness. You can’t be ignorant if you don’t know it exists. You need to know at least about its bare existence. If you know of its existence and have the means to explore or broaden your perspective to acquire knowledge, but you don’t do it – then that’s ignorance. But when you simply don’t know, then there’s nothing ignorant about it. It would be ignorant of people who know, not to share their knowledge to make more people aware, but that’s a different topic.
So, when I originally wrote about ignorance, I explained that in order to feel ignorant cheerfulness you need to be privileged. Which is quite a broad term. I think in order to feel that way, you need to at least have your basic needs met, if not be at the top of Maslow’s pyramid of needs. Your basic needs are physiological needs like food and water and as well as safety. If these needs aren’t met, a human’s goal would be survival. I think these people need to have a different kind of ignorance, where you have to focus on yourself or the people around you, in order not to die. It’s like saying these people don’t even qualify for the type of ignorance that I’m talking about, because they’re the matter that causes this ignorance in other people. So, we have to distinguish between an ignorance that is necessary for survival and ignorance that stems from egoism. But now we could argue that people trying to survive are also egoistic. This makes this whole topic more difficult. So, I’m trying a different approach.
To define ignorance, I would argue that despite an all-knowing awareness of unfairness, instability, dehumanization, etc. going on in the world at some point in time, someone actively tries to look away in order to make themselves feel better about themselves or their actions and surroundings, or actively decides not to educate themselves about what is going on, despite of it being for the greater good and them actually having the means to do so as well as it not drastically changing their own lives in a way where it would put them in direct danger of death. This means that with the decision of not being ignorant a certain sacrifice does come with it, but it’s a relatively small one if we look at it at a global stage. The fact that a part of their sanity might be sacrificed has nothing to do with the action of trying to be aware, it’s simply a reaction to the cruelty that is already going on in the world. It would be wrong not to be aware of the horrors that are acted out on the same flesh and blood that we exist of, and it would be wrong not to react in a way where it all comes down onto our mental health. But that being said, it is important to look after our mental health as well of course, it doesn’t do any good if we destroy ourselves in the process of trying to stay aware at all times, but we shouldn’t blame the awareness as the reason for our declining mental health, but realize that the root of everything is our government and the way our society is built. Sometimes a little ignorance might come in handy, but it shouldn’t be and stay the majority. I can’t say that our world would be a better place without ignorance, because I think we do need ignorance, we just have to differentiate and balance it with awareness as well as fight the root cause of all problems. Ignorance wouldn’t be a problem if there wasn’t anything we had to stay aware of. If there were no cruelties, no war and no genocide, no people dying in cold blood, then we wouldn’t have to fight anything. If there were peace and happiness all over, cheerfulness would come natural and ignorance wouldn’t exist – or at least it wouldn’t matter. Of course, problems exist all over but if the biggest problem would be a personal one and not one on a global level that affects all humanity, a little ignorance wouldn’t hurt anybody. Sure, I could be ignorant and ignore your problem, but the only consequence would be a change in our relationship. It wouldn’t matter in the end. But a person actively deciding and being comfortable in their ignorance is exactly what the government wants from us. They want us to stay passive and look away. Or maybe look at it but still decide to ignore it. Ignorance is dangerous. And the guilt that was supposed to come with it, the guilt you’re supposed to feel when you see people dying, is numbed by distraction. Distraction coming from our phones. The government gives you the means and you distract yourself until you’re numb and unable to even feel remorse. Now seeing people dying on your screen is normal, you just scroll past.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

I never further explored whether I’m the ignorant person now. I just kept on asking myself this exact question but never actually tried to figure it out. Maybe now is the time for that. It’s been a while since I’ve written this essay, a lot has changed for me personally as well. My surroundings have changed, my mindset has shifted and while my mental health has become better – I no longer struggle as much as I used to with communicating my feelings, it’s still very much something I need to work on, but there have been some instances where I managed to solve problems on my own without relying on my therapists guidance – I still see myself struggling. I’m just not exactly sure where I’m struggling. Just two weeks ago I wrote about having a clearer vision, about knowing what I want from this year, and while this is still the case I see myself falling back into the fog. It’s scary because the fog is something that has become comfortable, being able to lie back and let yourself fall slowly into a dark hole. I know what this could essentially lead to, because I dealt with it before. And that’s not something I necessarily want to repeat.

Amon smokes a lot, he smokes when he gets nervous, when he’s afraid. He also drinks, drinks to forget and have fun. He experiments with other drugs that make living in a dystopian world a bit easier. I saw myself becoming more like Amon. There were some things I’ve sworn myself to never do, nevertheless have I found myself doing it when I was stuck in the fog. I don’t want to have to force myself to stop doing something, but I do want myself to be more in the clear about the consequences and actually start taking care of the vessel I’m in. Because how else am I supposed to improve and live life, when the vessel that provides for me is struggling? I’m stuck in here, so I have to take care of it so it can take care of me.

I keep shifting away from my initial idea or plan, but when I write I don’t restrict myself, I don’t hold myself back or force myself to stay on a straight road that leads me to the answer of my question. I guess sometimes questions can be answered without directly addressing them. But for now I do want to bring back the topic of ignorance – I was asking myself whether I could even still be ignorant after having really looked at it. And I want to say yes. I can still decide to ignore, the guilt that I felt more in the beginning of looking away has faded but so have many other emotions. To handle such strong emotions I’ve become numb. And while I do see myself becoming more open in different matters, feeling a lot and also feeling good, there is nevertheless this numbness that comes with it. This hole in my chest that tells me there’s something wrong. I’m scared of letting people go. Letting go in general. But to deal with something that I don’t necessarily want to deal with, I just shove it in the back of my mind, all the way down into my unconsciousness where it no longer seems to bother me. Of course it still bothers me – why else would I avoid it? But this avoidance grows stronger, I see hands pushing down the thoughts, showing them back in the drawer like when you buy too many clothes and can’t close the door to your closet anymore but you don’t have the energy to look through it because that would mean confrontation, so you shove the clothes down and forcibly close the door, maybe actually never open it again and just buy a new dresser to fill, but one day the door will burst and you will fall.

Sometimes I remember stuff. And then I ask myself why I never think about it. I never think about not wanting to think and that maybe that is the reason I don’t remember. When I remember eventually I know I will forget again. I want to say I feel ashamed – but that’s not true, I don’t feel a lot of shame. I always rather fear. Which is not a preferred feeling but it’s just how it is. But then I also don’t fear a lot, or maybe not yet, because my thoughts never come as far for me to feel fear about something. I’m not sure what my conclusion here is. I want to say what I’m experiencing can’t be considered the evil ignorance, because I’m not evil – I tried to be good. I said to a friend that evil actions don’t necessarily make you an evil person even if you believe so yourself. That is obviously a topic that can and should be discussed but in some moments your thoughts are subjective, but that’s fine, because you’re a human being with feelings. What I’m saying – and I’m saying this without being egoistic, but at the same time I have to be looking out for myself – is that I don’t think I’m ignorant, I’m just burned out. I tried defeating the ignorance and have lost myself in the process. I always talk about mental health but never made sure that I took care of my own, or took care of it in ways that are healthy and productive. Now I’ve been in this passiveness for weeks and there seems to be no end. But that’s just how it seems, eventually the fog will clear and the sun will shine through. And even if the sun is hellish and burns your skin, maybe there will be a calming and cool rainstorm after.

While I started this blog post off with the question of no longer resonating with what you’ve written (which might or might not be the case for some older blogposts on here – I never changed them though because I still kind of value what I felt at the time of writing, even if it isn’t really me anymore) I do have to say that I highly resonate with my essay on ignorance and guilt. And while things have changed I still agree with what I thought about and wrote down. I like this part of me that actually thinks about topics and forms their own conclusion and approaches to, I wanna say, rather difficult topics in times like these. I will never not talk about it – even if it takes me a while to get back on it and even if my mind is forcing these thoughts down because I can’t deal with it at the very moment, the thoughts are still there and I will address them one day.