we were already dead

Amon: 13 wishes for the new year.

Author: What do you mean?

Amon: That’s what it says on this paper here.

Author: Oh yes, I remember. I saw a video about the 12 magical nights from 21st of December to 1st of January.

Amon: Care to explain more? You know I’m not really into these spiritual things.

Author: You’re also scared of ghosts.

Amon: No?!

Author: Yes you are.

Amon: I guess it doesn’t matter whether I lie to you or not. I’m just a little bit intimidated by things I can’t see.

Author: You can’t really see me.

Amon: You’re also pretty intimidating.

silence

Author: Well. Let me tell you about the 12 magical nights. I also know it as the winter solstice manifestation. Basically, you write down 13 wishes on 13 pieces of paper, then you start on the 21st of December and burn one paper every day without actually knowing which wish you burn. After 12 days you’ll have one piece of paper left to look at on January 2nd, this is the wish that will be your responsibility for the new year, the rest is taken care of. Some sources do say you should read the wish before burning it, others say you shouldn’t. I personally think you can do whatever feels best for you.
sources:
https://allybouchard.com/12-magical-nights/
https://www.12magicalnights.com/

Amon: And you want me to do that?

Author: I want us to do it together.

Amon: I doubt we have the same wishes though.

Author: How would you know that? I think we do yearn for the same things. Wasn’t it you who said we might be so similar and that’s why I found you?

Amon: True. But our circumstances are completely different. We don’t even really exist at the same time. It’s all you in the end.

Author: I know that it’s all me, but that makes me think about my wishes even more. Imagining me in a completely different space and time, asking myself if I would still wish for the same.

Amon: hmm.

Author: mhm.

Amon: Well, Author. Let’s start then. Ask me a question.

Author: What is it, that you deeply yearn for Amon? And don’t even start with “blabla you already know that because you know me and whatever” I do know you as I know myself, but even in myself I have to really look to find answers to such questions.

Amon: Okay okayy, chill. Let me think… What do I deeply yearn for? Let me write this out in a pretty way though:

𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸

I yearn for peace.
I yearn for peace so hard I have to deal with hatred to get so far.
Why is it that when I decide for peace, I still can’t be at peace?
There’s this responsibility to care for a better future.
Why do I have to put up with hate when all I yearn is peace?

I crave peace.
I crave peace so bad I look for ways to shut down every slight feeling of discomfort.
Why is it that when I decide for peace, I still chose things that do the opposite?
There’s this little voice that tells me it’s good to feel that way.
Why do I chose numbness when all I crave is peace?

I want peace.
I want peace in the same way I close my eyes to let my imagination flow.
Why is it that I want something that I could easily bring upon myself?
There’s this feeling that tells me maybe it’s not enough.
Why do I feel drawn to destruction when all I want is peace?

𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸

Author: You talk about peace but never care to explain what exactly peace means to you?

Amon: Oh yeah no, I did that intentionally. Why don’t you explain what peace means to you? If you resonate with what I said, peace could be whatever, but what is it to you, what does peace mean to you Author?

Author: I think the meaning of peace is something that changes a lot – at least for me. What I might define as peace right now is probably something else than the 12y/o me would’ve said or it might even be different to what I would say if you’d ask me the same question tomorrow-

Amon: Yes, yes, whatever. But what does it mean to as of right now? Like this moment, like right here and now-

Author: Yes, I know. I was gonna get there dude. You should be used to waiting.

Amon: Ouch. That one was personal. Same could be said about you-

Author: We’re not gonna do that right now. We’ll have plenty of time to insult each other.

Amon: You started it!

Author: What are you? Twelve?

Amon: I thought you said we won’t insult each other?!

Author: My bad, I’ll continue… Where was I?

Amon: Fluidity of peace or whatever.

Author: Ah, right. So, I was talking about how the meaning of peace changes. I mean I guess we agree that peace is something that brings utter comfort, the feeling of safety and honesty, love and happiness… all the positive words I can think of. But you asked me what it means to me right now. Where do I find peace or what gives me peace or what do I wish for when I say I wish for peace. I think I need to break that down:

𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸

I find peace in knowing I’m not alone.
Sharing thoughts and feelings when it’s already dark outside.
Spending time together even though we might not feel the happiest.
Listening and being there for each other.

I feel at peace when I’m alone with him.
When I bury my fingers in his hair and trace lines on his body.
Endless warmth washing over me.

I get peace from existing.
When I don’t overthink for once.

I wish to be able to see peace in the little things again.

𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸 𓇢𓆸

Amon: I couldn’t have said it better.

Author: It doesn’t feel easy to actually put this out there. It feels like a confession? Thoughts I haven’t let myself form yet.

Amon: But isn’t that the goal of this project? To put yourself out there?

Author: Yes, but it feels scary. I’m not the best when it comes to talking about my feelings.

Amon: You’re trying. You’re trying your best and that’s what matters.

silence

Amon: What about those 13 wishes now?

Author: Oh, yes. I almost forgot. I’m not gonna put these out there because I want to be able to reflect on it with me and myself only. I guess this post is meant for inspiration? Maybe you could do the same.

Amon: Are you talking to me?

Author: You and whoever is reading this.

Amon: You know what Author? I think I want to put my 13 wishes out there. I guess also as a teaser for the book. People don’t know my story yet, maybe that can bring them closer to me as a character or person or whatever they want to see me as.

Author: I like that idea. Why don’t we publish your 13 wishes with explanations and then every day we’ll spin a wheel and eliminate one wish. The one left on January 2nd will be a wish I’ll grant you in your story.

Amon: Ohhh now we’re talking. I’m really gonna have to think about them now.

Author: We both got work to do. I wish you the best of luck partner.

Amon: We’ll hear from eachother, it was nice talking again.

Author: likewise, Amon.